Annual ParTee Golf Club

PHOENIX ARIZONA

"We play once a year,
...every month."
ParTee'ing since 1997

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Golf Jokes and Cartoons

The Perfect Shot A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball."
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."

Geriatric Golf "How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on.
Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."

PREGNANT GOLF The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

THE WORST GOLF FOURSOME EVER 1 Monica Lewinsky
2 OJ Simpson
3 Ted Kennedy
4 Bill Clinton
Why You Ask? 1 Monica Is A Hooker
2 OJ Is A Slicer
3 Ted Kennedy Can't Drive Over The Water, And
4 Bill Clinton Can't Remember Which Hole He Played Last!

Loft Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft." The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft." The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft." As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?" The pro says, "Lack Of Fricking Talent."

18 REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX 18 - You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
17 - If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf.
15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.
14 - Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.
13 - It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.
12 - When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
11 - If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
9 - When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.
7 - You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite coworkers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment. 6 - There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.
5 - If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
4 - Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
3 - Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for
the enjoyment of golf.
1 - Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"

Smart Thinking There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn't because of their wives.
One day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"
The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"
The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife nothing!!!"
They both look at him and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?"
She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF, BUT AREN'T: 10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. 7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

Sign at Golf Course 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

Go Figure Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. Then, the next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

Thats a Gimme A man and his wife ended up playing in a tournament against each other. The wife was a good mid handicap player but she had never scored in the 70's. On the 18th green she has a put for a 79. After an interminable wait she is ready and says, "if I make this putt, we are going to have a celebration dinner and then I will make your wildest fantasy come true". "What do you think?" He says, "looks like a gimme to me"!

Mulligan? An American was golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland. He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach. He tees another one up and smacks it down the middle.
The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that is called a "Mulligan" and asks him if there is a name for it in Scotland.
The caddy replies, "AYE, we call it hitting three."

Ball Information: For most golfers, the only difference between a one-dollar ball and a three-dollar ball is two dollars.
An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the bush.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put straight" on the ball.

Head Down A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

You know you’re a bad golfer if... You consider a good round one in which you lost only half-a-dozen balls.
More than once, you have attempted to return a club because "somehow it snapped."
You have old, gnarly golf balls in your bag specifically to be used for over water shots.
You "prefer" to hit an iron off every tee.
When playing in a club tournament, you get a stroke on EVERY hole.
You can remember the one good shot you had all day.
You are told "you’re still away" more than twice on the same green.
You "crush every shot" at the practice range but can’t get one more than 10 feet off the ground on the course.
You and your group have rules for taking Mulligans.
You have two putters in your bag.
Your playing partners use the term "nice lag" to describe your putts that never reach the hole.
You blame everything and everyone except yourself for a bad shot.
You get excited over a deep ball mark created in the green by your approach shot.
You feel an undue amount of pressure when teeing off with people watching and always end up hitting a bad shot.
You constantly leave yourself further from the hole after a chip shot.
You have thought to yourself that if you hole out from 140 yards, you can still make bogey.

"THE USEFUL GOLF BOOK"... It includes the following chapters:
1. How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
2. How to Hit a Nike From the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off The Tee
3. How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
4. When to Give the Ranger the Finger
5. Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
6. How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
7. How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
8. Why Your Wife Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
9. How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome Without Getting Embarrassed
10. How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
11. When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Expensive Call Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ....go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I! 'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

Counting Strokes Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five.

Obituary A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Bob Smith died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, in that case, let it read: "Bob Smith died. Golf clubs for sale."

He Died Playing Golf Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

Golfing With An Older Man A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

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